The mania has been strong with this one. I think i peaked last night. Wooh, what a ride.
Stepping out of mania is like stepping through a veil from one reality to another, its very very much like coming down off a trip. I remember coming out of an acid trip once and i was taken aback by how much it was like the flip of a light switch – one minute there were jumbo jets landing on my local church car park and the bricks in walls were talking to teenage me, the next it was all over. Again in Amsterdam a brilliant trip that went on for hours where i believed fully that i was in a game of pac man, running around cobbled streets chasing, or being chased, and then suddenly the world became dull again and quiet, in an instant. Well that's how mania feels when it ends, its not as abrupt, but when its gone the world is a little duller again.
I did not see this one coming. Hubby said he did. I was away with the kids in our holiday home for a week and he said i started to be weird on the phone, each night as he would ring to check in i was saying weirder and weirder things and he knew i wasn't becoming depressed, even i know when that's coming, but he knew i wasn't right. I was getting loud and excited. Once again hitting up my social media hard. All signals, didn't see them.
I start to become agitated, but that's not the right word because its not a bad type of agitated like 'everything's annoying me' its more of a busyness. I start to take on more and more things – projects, responsibilities, to -do's etc. I fostered two kittens. Hindsight this was a major warning sign. I'm laughing now looking at the two of them curled up in my kitchen what was i thinking? they have got to go. 4 kids, 2 fish, 1 Cat and 2 kittens. Cats symbolize crazy on my crazometer for sure. I took off with them all on my own for a holiday – a holiday? again what was i thinking? it was bedlam. Great fun! kids occupied living their best lives barefoot and free, kittens running loose loving the freedom me catering to it all, cooking up a storm, holding impromptu discos on the decking, befriending the locals, swimming at midnight. Zero sleep. But ah here's the thing, when I'm manic i don't need very much sleep. Days and nights meche and i just keep going, going going.
Towards the end i cop on to it. Holy shit I'm manic as fuck. Because is start to feel high as a kite. Physically and emotionally. My heart races like I'm on speed and my tongue shakes in my mouth. I drink alot more water. Funny enough i use alot less drugs and alcohol when I'm flying – don't need em. My thoughts race and become irrational and that's the beginning of the end. I start to become upset that things wont work out in the real world the way they do in the hair brained capers in my head. I start to realize that i sound insane to normal people. I start to lose momentum and get tired but i cant come down so i start to skag. This time round i actually hallucinated. I saw crazy artwork come to life in front of me and spoons dancing around the bedroom. I lay there in the dark watching this colourful light show and thought to myself 'man, i am so fucking off this planet weird does not even cover it' i wonder if the hallucinations were due to lack of sleep or just plain crazyness? i had come home that day. I knew i was crashing and i was headed for the edge of the cliff. I warned hubby but he already knew. I didn't last. The merry go round spun faster and faster and i couldn't keep up, my vision became blurred and all of a sudden i was in the house of horrors. Alone. With 4 kids and 2 kittens.
The negative thoughts started. I believed in a telephone call that i heard anger in his voice and flipped. Accused him of not loving me. Attacked him for my exhaustion, pulled out the martyr card. Caused holy war, left the house, dumped him with all of the kids (and animals) and no car, in the middle of his work day and just fucked off. Then he flipped. We had murder. It was a bad one. I of course being totally off my face on adrenaline and whatever the fuck else my brain pumps out when I'm nuts truly, totally, 100% believed that he was out to get me, he was gaslighting me and i was on to him. I believed that he had been wanting to get rid of me for ages, and that he finally had his chance. The bastard. I listened to Lemonade on full blast and drove and drove. Fuck you life, I'm out of here. I've had enough of being Maude Flanders I'm a butterfly who must soar, domestic life is not for me, I've made a terrible mistake, you and the kids are better off without me, I'm off to India or South America, somewhere exotic and colourful and fun, somewhere that can keep up with me. I'm going to fuck my way around the world and back again and dance in rain storms and travel in a commune.
And then i landed back on planet earth. With a bang. FUCK and balls what have i done. the music stopped and the cold crept in. That cold, hungy, scared feeling. Reality.
It is quite literally like waking up from a really drunken night where you go back through all of your text messages and die inside re reading them. How could i have said those things to the man who loves me? How could i have thought those thoughts? What. The Fuck. Is Wrong With Me? How could things have moved so quickly from 'i feel a bit off babe can we take it easy this weekend and observe carefully?' to CRAZYTOWN
Mania is amazing it is gold lined and it shimmers, it smells like incense and feels like warmth and has an amazing playlist, but it never ends well. I wish i could bottle the start/middle part where i feel literally like the greatest goddess alive who can take on anything. But i cant. I wish i could recognize the signs and stop the crazy before it takes over. I can try. I feel exhausted today. It was a hard night of talking and crying and accepting. Guilt, remorse, appreciation. Shame. I am so ashamed of the way this illness makes me act, things i can hardly bear to recall never mind record in writing. I am so ashamed of the damage i do to the people who love me. Nobody cringes like me. Nobody does the butt pucker of shame like me. People who have other types of illness are never made to feel shame and that makes me angry but that's a blog for another day. I am blessed by the gods to have a partner in this life who loves me unconditionally. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. He says that when i am flying i look godly. But when i fall i am monstrous. Is the high worth the fall? Hard to say. We will revisit this again no doubt. Hopefully not for a while. My skin is crawling and I'm bone tired, my hands are tingling and whenever i nod off i fall off my bike, its hard to believe my own brain has done this to me. I need these kittens to teach me how to sleep. But once sleep comes, well, we all know what comes next don't we.