I feel empty, numb, nothing. This is the start, I’m pulling away, I love my husband and my kids they make me feel warm and happy but I feel it. It’s draining away. Feelings, the ability to feel. It’s leaving me. I’ve tried to hide I took some drugs, had some booze, took some exercise but it’s still there. I’m starting to not listen to people while they’re talking. I don’t care. I’m not tired, sad, upset, overwhelmed. I’m just … nothing. It confuses people they are so used to me being tuned in and interactive they pick up on it immediately I can’t fake a smile the apathy gets so bad. So I hide from people. The ones who know me anyway. 

You turn inwards. It’s sort of like sleep only your awake. You tune out. Go somewhere else? I’m not sure, possibly. I’m definitely not here that’s for sure. Maybe in body but not in spirit. You function. But you don’t feel.

It pisses people off. They think your rude. Or a bitch. Fuck them. 

I don’t think my kids notice. They’re so self absorbed I love that about kids the give zero fucks about anybody else it must be a survival instinct. They don’t notice that I’m tuned out. They get their peanut butter sambo and they’re happy. 

My guy notices and it annoys me. Fuck off. Give me space. Oh I’m not catering to your every need? Sorry. This breeds resentment. Eventually when the big row comes it will be about something but really it will all have stemmed from this. 

I hate this, I hate being detached. I don’t know why it happens. It’s preceded by stressful situations so maybe it’s a coping mechanism? I don’t know. All I know is it’s coming. I can feel it. It hasn’t been here for ages and now it’s back and I’m disgusted. Fucking leave me alone. 

What follows this is tiredness, headaches and paranoia. Great. The three ugly sisters. Give me fucking strength. 

Then the black. For god knows how long. 

Negative thoughts, anxiety, sickness, body aches, exhaustion, fear, insomnia, anger, resentment, paranoia, meanness, anger, fury, hunger, upset, worry, irritability, worthlessness, jealousy, stress, sorrow, regret, shame.

You try being the mother of the year while your brain develops arthritis and literally starts fucking attacking you. ‘Keep up appearances’. You try it. Let me know how that works out for you. 

I hate this fucking shit. I am lost again. Not in control. I hate being a passenger in my own body. Why do parts of me shut down? What does it mean? What purpose in nature does it serve? Will I pass this on to my children?

– I wrote this late last night, I turned out the light shortly after and tried to sleep. I dreamt my 6 year old daughter had acid thrown in her face as she sat in my husbands arms. I woke up heart racing got some water, went back to bed. Second dream I fell down a flight of stairs, the falling feeling woke me again, heart pounding. Eventually I got back off to sleep. I woke this morning exhausted and nervous. My subconscious brain is in attack mode.  Time to fight.